A Matter of Degrees
It is actually going to happen. This May, I am graduating college! I
tried to extend my journey by applying to graduate school, but was turned down,
in a very nice way though. I think the letter said “Uhm, no thanks, you seem like an awesome person but…no. Feel free to
check out our website for other schools where you might have better luck. Have
you considered DeVry Institute?
So the dream ends here. I have been talking with some of my
fellow graduating seniors to see what they are doing now that they have
degrees. One guy is taking a year off to play lacrosse in Australia, but many
are already applying for jobs. I certainly don’t want to be left behind. Yes, I
took 40 years to get through college but no more procrastinating! I have
already done some research and here are some possibilities that might be worth
looking into.
Jobs I May Be Able To Get Now That I Will Have a Degree
1.
Participant in rosacea study. This would be
perfect if I had rosacea. Why could I not have been blessed with this ailment
instead of occasional bouts of adult acne and thinning hair? Could this be
considered discrimination? May spend some time looking into discrimination
suits today.
2.
Jewish egg donors needed. I am Jewish however,
my eggs and I are sort of tired. We don’t really want to commit to anything
right now, other than season two of Handmaids
Tale, which we are living for.
3.
Webcam fetish model. Hmm. I love to eat dry cereal
in bed while watching reruns of Breaking
Bad, and simultaneously playing Candy Crush on my Ipad. Does this count as
a fetish? Would someone want to actually watch that? I know M doesn’t really
enjoy it and says he can hear me crunching through his noise canceling
headphones. I don’t want to waste my time applying for jobs I’m not qualified
for. Really bad for my self-esteem. Still, can’t hurt to shoot them a resume.
4.
Remote Editing Fellow. Finally! Something in my
field. But I don’t get the “fellow” part? This is totally discrimination. Get with the times dude. Women can do
anything men can and usually better.
Adding this to my discrimination investigation today.
5.
Disney Princesses. What? Have I died and gone to
heaven? I can dress up like Belle or Cinderella and just walk around Disney
World freaking kids the f out? I can walk up to little girls and say “It’s a
myth! Do yourself a favor and learn how to write code.” Yes! But wait, this is
Florida and it’s so hot. Ugh. Not to go
into detail but let’s just say a heat rash on your inner thighs makes for a
very long summer. I will have to pass.
6.
Jimmy Johns Brand Marketer. There are times I
actually find myself dreaming about their number 5 with extra peppers. This is
something I could really throw myself into as I have a real passion for the product.
But wait, they are looking for “outgoing and fun individuals?” Fun is subjective. Some people think parties where
you walk around, talking, laughing and meeting new people is fun. Others find sitting
quietly alone with a glass of wine, watching the sunset and pondering things
like, what if I got a puppy and it got eaten by a hawk, or what if I take the
plunge and get my eyebrows tattooed on and end up looking like The Joker the
rest of my life. I mean, that’s fun, right? Will have to think on this one a
bit more.
7.
Mock Jurors Needed. I like this. I’m pretty much
up for mocking anything. Will definitely shoot them my resume.
8.
Auto Repair Manager, Service Writer. Well this
sounds perfect. I will be in a management position as I should be with my new
degree and also a writer. I guess I could get a few pages in here and there
between tire alignments and oil changes? And as a manager, I get to boss people
around as well. Win-Win. Resume number three, sent.
Well, I am psyched. It appears the opportunities are
endless with someone of my caliber with a bachelor’s degree in writing. Already
have three great prospects out in the professional world of degreed smart people. Oops!
Make that two. Just googled fetish…
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