TAKE 2!!

Yes…I’m baaack. Haven’t done much since my last blog…though I have gotten really into crafting. Like really into it. Like, I’m this close to making dolls out of avocado pits. Sort of bored. Plus, I voted early so my one social outing of the season is already over. I had the mail in ballot but I thought you know what, let me get out a bit. Let me talk to you know…people, with my mask on and my glasses fogged. Let’s see what’s going on out there. So I put on my new t-shirt I ordered from that weird online site that keeps popping up on my Facebook, where they make the t-shirts out of toilet paper and then write a brand name on them with a Sharpie. I ordered it about three months ago when I was under the impression that worldwide pandemics have ending dates. Still it’s new and time to bring it into the rotation. Thursdays just got a lot more exciting.

Anyway, new t-shirt front and center, I headed to the courthouse where I did find people gathered outside,  apparently illegally and since I hate conflict I had to circle the block four times til they dispersed. When I finally did arrive, I was kind of disappointed there were no refreshments being offered. What kind of social gathering doesn’t offer a little sip of something? A butter cookie? Nothing? Plus I was already done and feeding my ballot into the machine when I realized I was wearing my “only for inside when I’m alone” shoes, with dirty laces and the sides blown out sort of like you would expect a laundress from World War II Poland to be wearing.  Let’s face it, it’s just a matter of time before I leave the house without pants on—a matter of time.

But.. actually, aside from the new tee,  there is something kind of fun happening in my life…Four words I never thought I’d say again in my life…and no they are not, “I need smaller size.” I AM GETTING MARRIED!

That’s right. Out of my way  bitches…bride coming through! I know you’re dying to know…have I said YES to the dress yet? You try saying yes to a dress in stretch satin that shows every line and cellulite pock mark and refuses to cross the vast stretch of land joining thigh to hip. Here’s what happened when I went dress shopping with my son’s fiancé and her mom. We enter the shop which is like entering a bowl of whipped cream. White white white. The store was empty but for us. Two bridal specialists stood at the ready under the sign welcoming our bride by name. They served us champagne as they pulled white cloud after white cloud out to see what struck the bride’s fancy.

Here’s what happened when I went to Dillard’s looking for mine: A sales clerk eating a granola bar came up to me. “Is this for a wedding?” she asked and I thought OMG I just radiate bride. I must be glowing and then she said “Are you the mother of the bride or groom?” and I said. “Bitch, you are looking at the bride.” Okay I didn’t say that. Looking down at the floor I whispered, Oh, uhm, actually I’m the bride,” at which point she frowned as in “WTF?” and led me to a rack of long sleeved, turtle necked dresses in dark gray. 

So then I tried the bridal store route…and set an appointment with a store an hour from my home that promised me they had dresses for older brides in blush pink. And they did if you consider an older bride fifteen and a wedding a quinceanera.

So the hunt is on.

I did hire the photographer though. Of course we had some things to work out before I signed the contract. The initial conversation went like this:

HIM  Will you be wanting photos of you getting ready?

ME    Yes, I would like the first three pages of the wedding album to be photos of me sweating profusely while trying to pull on a full body spanx.

HIM  Will you be seeing your groom prior to the wedding?
ME    Yes, in the kitchen while we eat our Cheerios and in the car on the way over to the ceremony after we drop off the dog and pick up my mom.

HIM  Will you be wearing a veil?

ME    HAHAHHAAH! OMG you’re killin’ me! 

So you can see, we had some things to straighten out.

All in all we are expecting about 25 people including us. I was thinking the other day, If a psychic would have told me that in 20 years I would be having a second wedding and the bulk of the guests would be my children I would have said…”Am I wearing something strapless ? Oh God is it satin?” No, really, I wouldn’t have believed it. No way. But here I am. 

The groom and I have been together eleven years and honestly I didn’t really think about marriage. We are deeply committed, we have been through some of the tragedies of life together and some of the brightest, best  parts as well. Neither one of us are going anywhere. I mean, we have a dog now. I certainly couldn’t love this man any  more than I already do. So when we were on the balcony of our hotel room where we went to celebrate my birthday and he went down on a knee I was like, “Ugh that damn calf muscle of his,” but then the words, and then the ring and then I knew yes, it’s time to get married.

I feel very lucky to be marrying the man I love with the four people I love most in the world standing next to me… what could be better? What more could I ask for, other than a strapless trumpet gown in blush pink with lots of ruching and a forgiving zipper?