A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Well if the first week is any indication, 2020 is going to be the kind of year that makes me ask myself…”Why didn’t I just stay home?”

Seriously, I really like it here. There is food, Netflix, and one very special set of Hotel Collection sheets which rotate through every third week or so. After the experience I just had, which I will of course tell you about, I have to ask myself why I would I put myself out there, pretty much like I do after returning from “networking” coffee and donuts events where women with business ponytails and black Warby Parkers ask me what my business is and I answer, “Do you know if there’s any plain glazed left?” because we all know I don’t have a business I just want to see what everyone else is doing.

So, the whole thing started because I decided it was time…holidays are finally over and it’s time to leave the house. I had basically not left it in a month as I was afraid to miss any deliveries that needed to be signed for. One of my biggest fears is having to go to the Fed Ex building to track down a twelve-dollar bottle of wine that I ordered because I liked the name, Prancing Pony Pinot. They won’t leave it unless an adult signs for it. Even if you tape a note to the door that says, “Leave the wine, my kids all have vape pens now.”

 They assert their power…COME AND GET IT.

So, on this new day of the new year  I emerged, carefully backing my car out of the garage and heading to Target with a 25.00 gift card I found mixed in with all my old Christmas paper which was probably meant for one of my kids back when Furbys were popular and they all wanted to pick out their own. I pulled into the parking lot full of exuberance and anticipation, picturing the new bath mats I had come in search for. Blue? White? Striped? Ah the possibilities.

I was amazed. There’s so many people! All functioning out in the world, driving, working, buying stuff. It was incredible! Not to mention, there’s a Starbucks in my Target. “I’ll have a Grande Latte,” I ordered. “No! You know what? Make it a Vente!” Yes that’s right! Go big or go home!  How nice is this? A hot latte to accompany me on my quest for mats.

I sipped my latte and thirty minutes later emerged with a new crockpot, three candles that smell like a Christmas tree and a coffee table book on Decoupage. I had forgotten all about the mats but that’s okay. A reason to come back!

Next stop was a prescription pick up at Walgreens. Usually I do the drive through which requires very little interaction, but on this day I decided, no. I’m going to park and go in. Peruse the AS SEEN ON TV aisle. See if they have the Flawless women’s facial razor that I was hoping would appear in my stocking but didn’t. Maybe buy a probiotic, this year I’m really going to focus on gut health. A healthy stomach, and a hairless chin. What a year this is going to be! Bring it!

When  I finally made it to the prescription counter I was told my prescription was not quite ready. That’s okay. I just decided to sit and wait patiently, nodding in solidarity to all those who were sneezing and coughing and doing other disgusting things that they needed prescriptions for.

As I sat with my phone looking at everyone’s ski vacations on Facebook,  I noticed out of the corner of my eye an elderly gentleman leaning on a metal walker making his way slowly towards me. Yes, he is definitely headed my way and he is holding out a six pack of Ensure. Oh the poor man, he can barely walk. Maybe he needs help reading the label? Maybe he doesn’t know what flavor he has there. And now that I am back out in the world, amidst people, my people, I am going to help him.

He finally makes his way to stand right in front of me, thrusting the Ensure towards my face. At this point I got a tad nervous, like I hope he’s not full of dementia and is going to hit me with it.

“Hi,” I say, letting him know I am a kind person who is ready to assist.

He looks at me with surprise.

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry,” he says. “I thought you were my wife.”

We stare at each other both hideously stunned, though for different reasons.

“I’m sorry, I’ve done this before,” he said and began backing away.

I was like really? Because this is the first time I’ve been mistaken for an 85 year old woman on an electric scooter.

Now, in my defense, I saw them together on my way out and she was not bad looking. Even had on a denim jacket, like the kind I bought at Free People in September, only hers didn’t have the pre-made holes and frayed threads that I paid extra for.

Still, that may be enough outings for this year I think.  It’s time to settle in as 2020 unfolds. I will be watching it all from here, my house, taking care of my gut and my hairy chin and my new white bathmats that should be delivered to my doorstep any minute.

Happy New Year.