Stop The World, Brangelina Is Getting Off

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Posted on Thursday, September 22nd, 2016

Oh no! Brangelina. I’ll be honest with you, I was rooting for them. Sure, he broke Jennifer’s heart, and sure she knew she was messing around with a married man, but Jennifer has that adorable Justin Theroux now. She’s okay, just as most women are when they push their way through the pain of adultery and continue on with their lives. So, why not hope that two beautiful people, each at one time voted the most magnificent of their gender, can keep it together? Plus, I love looking at photos of them shlepping those kids all over the place, Brad typically leading the pack while Angie brings up the rear, usually wearing some kind of cool poncho and carrying a big tote bag. Actually I was in awe of them because, I see them leading their pack through the
streets of France and New York City, Madagascar, wherever, everyone smiling, the big ones helping to herd the little ones, all for one and one for all. And I remember just taking my four to Target for back to school stuff and losing my little one in a rack of pajama pants. During that same outing my older two got into a fist fight over the last Nike trapper keeper. We left there looking like a family of war torn refugees, all carrying big slurpees. So I admired them for their perfection.

What happened? There are many theories and reports out there. Some say there was a difference of opinion on how to parent the children. Hmmm. Can’t we go to therapy for that? Can’t we read books about how to parent together and manage to stay married? What about a compromise, like Brad will stop smoking pot in front of the kids, if Angelina stops acting like they are all friends hanging out at Woodstock as opposed to parents and children.  And STOP DRESSING SHILOH LIKE A BOY! whose ever idea that was. Seems doable.

Now, the other report is that Brad is having an affair with his new costar Marion Cotillard, and Angelina is just not having it. Personally, I’m going with this theory and I will tell you why. It validates me. Me me me. Yes, the Pitt Jolie divorce is really all about Amy Koko. Okay, not really, but here’s the thing— now I know that my husband didn’t cheat because I was not pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, weighed too much, or wore flats. (What? I had a bone spur on my foot.) I wish I would have known this prior to the mini facelift I got which hurts like a mother f—-r btw. It wasn’t because of the 5 pounds of baby fat that had made a permanent home on my middle after 4 babies. It was a selfish act by a person living only for himself only in that moment, with no thought to the devastation his act would leave in it’s wake. Because if it can happen to THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD (according to the 2009 readers of Vanity Fair) it has nothing to do with beauty, style, physical attributes. So, there!

If you are a woman who has dealt with or is dealing with infidelity, listen to me. You know when your husband said, “It’s not you, it’s me?” HE’S RIGHT! Don’t ask yourself, “What is it that finally pushed him over the edge?” Was I wrong not to jump on the Brazilian wax bandwagon? Would someone ripping the hair off of my vagina have kept him at home? Maybe I shouldn’t have dismissed the whole anal bleaching thing so quickly? What could I have done? Anal beads? Lap dances? (ugh I am a terrible dancer, the thought of it…) That jewelry that women poke through their vaginas?

It’s not your hair, it’s not your weight, it’s not your jewel-less vagina. It’s not your fault.

Now, I know the whole Karma is a bitch thing. Still, having gone through it, I really can’t say that I wish it on anyone else. Because I can tell you that even for the most beautiful woman in the world, the pain is real it is deep and it is something she will never forget.

In the meantime, let’s hope someone steps up and takes charge of the children and most importantly, getting beautiful Shiloh into a something other than black jeans. Maybe something good can come from this after all.

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