Today I was privy to a phone conversation that has left me in a complete state of amazement, I mean talk about shock and awe. You tell me what YOU think…Much to my dismay at 7:30 M’s phone rings. Yes 7:30. This Morning. On my day off. Apparently it was his friend confirming that there was a foursome ready to go for a 9 am tee time. This is what I heard:
M: Yes we are meeting at 9. B and H are playing with us, you’ve never met them, but they’re great guys, it will be fun.
See? I am still in total disbelief. Is this guy really committing to a 4 hour golf game, plus lunch and a scotch or 2 with two guys he’s never met? Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong but crazy right?
If this was me, and I called my friend to see if we were still on for a day of, let’s say shopping as opposed to a physical activity, because she works out like a fiend but I only do Pilates twice a week, and by Pilates, I mean I lay on the reformer and move my legs around in between sips from my coffee cup, and she said “Oh, my friend Lisa will be joining us, you will love her she’s really fun,” intense panic would ensue.
Thought process: What? Lisa? Who is Lisa? How did you meet her? Do you like her better than me? Is she fatter than me? OMG Is she skinnier than me? What kind of hair does she have, long, short, thick, thinning? (please thinning, please thinning) Is she going to wear makeup? Does that mean I have to wear makeup now? OMG, will she be wearing skinny jeans and boots with heels? You know my arches have been killing me and I am only wearing flats right now. Does she accessorize? Will she be carrying a Louis Vuitton purse or a Kate Spade while I shlep through the mall with my fake leather FOSSIL? Necklaces? Bracelets? Those trendy double rings that the cool kids wear? What about an infinity scarf casually tossed around her neck looking like it belongs there? (Last time I wore an infinity scarf I chose an unfortunate beige gauze one and apparently I had it a little too tightly wrapped because a woman I hadn’t seen in a while ran up to me and said, “Oh my God, what happened to you?” thinking I had either been in a car wreck, or had my thyroid operated on.)
Is she married? What does her husband do? How long have they been married? Are they happy? Do they do stuff together and take romantic anniversary trips that she’s going to tell us about and I have to appear interested in? Do I HAVE to pretend to be interested in the wineries they visited in Napa?Do they hold hands in public? How did they meet, UGH don’t tell me they’re high school sweethearts.
Where do they live? Does she have one of those homes where everything looks effortlessly in place? Vases with LIVE flowers? Photos artistically framed and actually HUNG on the wall as opposed to buried under takeout menus in the kitchen junk drawer?
Does she have kids? Where are they? Girls, boys? Are they in MENSA? Training for the Olympics? Working in fabulous jobs in huge exciting cities? Harvard grads?
Why, why? Why does SHE have to come?
I know it sounds like I’m a little insecure, and in reality I did have an experience in 7th grade that left a mark on me. See I had a best friend from school, Rachel and a best friend from Temple Sunday School, Susie, and one time I made the drastic mistake of introducing the two at my birthday party at Shakey’s Pizza. Before I knew it, neither one was answering my phone calls and Susie was taking summer vacations with Rachel’s family, while I spent MY summer watching the Mike Douglas show in the morning and eating Now and Laters all day long. That’s why I try not to introduce my friends to each other as I know they will end up spending the day eating Cobb salads and browsing through Nordstrom’s together while I’m at home playing Candy Crush and wondering where the hell IS everyone?
Anyway, I just wanted to share this phone call with you because I know we’re all on the same page here. I guess it just boils down to the fact that men are so weird, right?