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I’m Toast

Posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2014

I’m Toast Every day it becomes increasingly clear that aging involves more than taking a Glucosamine Chondroitin pill with my lunch. (The creaking of my knees can be heard three reformers down in  Pilates class, and every session my instructor says, “Ew. Amy is that your knees?”) Still, I forge ahead and fight the daily fight of trying to eat only protein and perfecting the art of drawing on my disappearing eyebrows, making me look like Witchipoo from H R Puffenstuff. This is how my day starts:...

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50 and Fro-Yo

Posted on Thursday, April 10th, 2014

50 and Fro-Yo The other day I came face to face with fifty. By that I mean I came to terms with it, accepted it, conceded, and dealt with the fact that I am no longer “around fifty” I am 53 and overdue for a bone density test. During Pilates my knees sound like Fourth of July fireworks. Also, whereas I used to be obsessed with commercials for sexy new perfumes and face creams, I am now way more interested in the ads for Fosamax and Cymbalta. What? Possible dry mouth, and diarrhea? But I won’t wake up...

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PRESSING MATTERS

Posted on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014

PRESSING MATTERS I am sitting in my office where I am supposed to be writing 1. a book 2. an article on the most over the top wedding items ever and 3. an interview I did with Frank a ten year old dachsund.   I am just about ready to get to work but first things first.  I have already checked Facebook, done some creepstalking on an old boss, and liked 3 funny pet videos.  I checked my Twitter though not sure why as still not really sure what it’s supposed to be doing. I googled Season 7 of Mad Men to...

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Ramblings from a Golden Retriever Mom

Posted on Monday, March 17th, 2014

Unconditional love.  Sure, we say we love our partner/spouse unconditionally, and we mean it.  We love you unconditionally, unless….you get too fat, contract halitosis,start telling knock knock jokes at dinner parties, suddenly decide it’s fun to push the cat in a stroller, take up rock collecting, get a Smart car,…well, you get the idea.  There may be stipulations to the unconditional love thing, or in other words, unconditional love may come with a few...

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Spin Cycle

Posted on Monday, March 10th, 2014

I guess it’s okay to tell you now that I was never considered one of the popular girls.  Starting in junior high and most likely due to the short shag that made Davey Jones a teenage idol,  but didn’t really do much for me, I just could not break into that inner circle.  My hopes for being a cheerleader were immediately dashed when I showed up to the first tryouts and was surrounded by a gaggle of Heidi Klums all doing the split.  No I couldn’t do it, not...

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Just Bag It

Posted on Monday, February 10th, 2014

I’m cranky today.  So I have decided to take this time to write a letter to the checkout people at my Publix.  I just want to clear the air so that from now on, I don’t have to make conversation, I can just hand them a copy of this letter and be done with it.  Let me preface this by saying I hate grocery shopping.  I would rather be doing just about anything other than reading Kim Kardashian tweets or getting a mammogram, but a girl’s gotta eat so…(A girl’s...

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WRITE THIS WAY 2

Posted on Friday, January 17th, 2014

My Santa Fe writing conference is now becoming a blurred memory, however two things stand out.  First off, I met some fabulous women that I plan to stay in contact with.  We all sort of bonded over lunch on the day of our sessions, as we sat around the table watching the wine sauce on our chicken congeal while one woman waited for her gluten free, organic, hypoallergenic, soy/tofu based, sauceless chia noodles.  During this time, we all told about how we had come to be in Santa Fe at this...

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WRITE THIS WAY Part 1

Posted on Saturday, December 14th, 2013

I am sitting at a bar in what I call a Santa Fe hotel, but what Santa Fe people refer to as a “lodge.”  If by lodge they mean a place to sleep with three year old coffee packets in the room, an Atari game station with PONG, and one guy who doubles as bell hop, waiter and shuttle driver then yes, this is a lodge. There was a day when the thought of sitting in a bar alone was on par with the thought of say, attending the neighborhood pool party in a bathing suit instead of long denim...

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Coffee, Tea or Vulva Cancer

Posted on Tuesday, November 12th, 2013

This week I had the fabulous experience of flying from Tampa to NYC, and I have one thing to say…W T F?  If anyone looked more hung over and disheveled then myself, (I ended up boarding while holding my belt and still trying to cram my laptop into my carry on,) it was the flight attendants.  They stood  in the doorway as we came aboard with a look on their face that said, “Ugh.  What are YOU doing here?” Remember back in the day when flight attendants were...

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Help From a True Patriot

Posted on Friday, October 4th, 2013

This is President Obamas’ lucky day.  I happen to be between jobs right now.  My last one was at Just Pants, at the mall in 1976.  Therefore I have some free time and an unbelievable offer for him.  I will run the National Park System for a nominal fee and the waiving of my IRS bill.  Providing of course I can do it from my home office, where I have a reliable computer and internet service, and not on Fridays, as that is my Pilates/Publix free samples...

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Chemical Imbalance

Posted on Friday, September 20th, 2013

Sunday morning I woke up in a tiny twin bed in a condominium on Clearwater Beach.  My first thought?  Am I still five and this whole thing has been a dream?  Phew!  Then I realized no, if I was still five I would be waking up sweaty with heart palpitations, (Hey!  Maybe I am five!) in anticipation of another day of kindergarten and the possibility of being force fed vile tomato juice which usually comes the day after pineapple juice which is what we had...

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Belting It Out

Posted on Monday, September 9th, 2013

Recently M and I were invited to an all day party, which was to take place outside during the day and then move into a swank restaurant for dinner.  A little day drinking, culminating in a sumptuous dinner and a cold dirty martini?  I am SO in.  However, after the glow of anticipation wore off, fear set in;  what does one wear to a shindig like this?  Then it hit me, THE MAXI DRESS!  I have been just waiting for the right event so that I could jump on the...

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My Top Job Picks of The Day

Posted on Thursday, August 29th, 2013

My Top Job Picks of the Day: (from actual online job sites)I knew my IBS would come in handy one day!IRRITABLE BOWEL WITH DIARRHEA?–GET PAID TO PARTICIPATE** Need to hire a date to my sister’s wedding. Compensation $1,000.  RED, CRUSTY, STICKY EYES? Weed puller *** NOW ALLOWING ANONYMOUS COMMENTS *** Ex-Wife New Life: living life newly single at 50 while overcoming the pain of divorce and moving on. Visit us @ http://facebook.com/ex.wife.new.life OR...

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How Can iSaygoodbye

Posted on Monday, August 26th, 2013

“I’m lonely and I miss you.“We had a good time on the walk the other day.  Let’s do it again.” I saw the message on my iphone, this morning and immediately became concerned.  Why is M becoming so needy?   He just left for work a few hours ago, if he was needing special attention, couldn’t he have just said it then?  I mean, I was right beside him all night and he seemed very happy with his Words With Friends game while I was totally...

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IT’S THE CLIMB

Posted on Friday, August 9th, 2013

For the thousands of readers, (okay, my parents and sister) who read my last post Cart Me Off, you know that I was on a couples vacation in Breckenridge, Colorado that was really trying my patience.  What I thought would be five days of eating, drinking and lounging around had turned into a mini version of Army Ranger School.  Day one consisted of a golf outing that seemed to last longer than that whole nightmare year of seventh grade when I had the David Cassidy hair cut, one...

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Cart Me Off

Posted on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

This summer M and I were invited on a couples vacation to Breckenridge, Colorado.   Though of course, we have traveled together many times, this would be our first COUPLES vacation.  This means actually sharing a condo and therefore, a bathroom with other couples. (See post Stay Off The Sauce  to see how I feel about that.)  It means breakfast, lunch and dinner with other couples.  It means drawing on my eyebrows and wetting down that morning bald spot before I am...

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SMOOTH MOVE

Posted on Sunday, July 21st, 2013

A year has passed since M and I took that big giant leap, and purchased a home together. You will all be glad to know, we have survived.  M has survived my addiction to reality television and my loud maniacal rants against Gretchen-OMG! I SO hate her, don’t get me started, and I have survived a Joe Maddon bobble head, glaring at me accusingly, when I sneak into M’s office and steal paper from his printer.  Dude.  Really?  Look away.  Freak. M has a real...

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HOT OFF THE PRESS

Posted on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013

Sure divorce is a downer, but let’s look at the upside.  If it had not been for my divorce, I would not have tapped into my two creative passions: reality television and writing.  I would probably still be running back and forth to the dry cleaner with understarched shirts, and perfecting the art of origami napkin folding for my dinner parties.  Instead, I have educated the world, (okay, my 60 followers,) on important topics, such as how I feel about bathing suit...

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Seven Divorce Stories, by guest blogger Jackie Pilossoph

Posted on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

Hi all.  This is a guest blog by Jackie Pilossoph, author of the blog Divorced Girl Smiling.  Jackie shares a few quick stories with us that are based on divorce, but will leave you chuckling instead of gritting your teeth and muttering to yourself.  Check out her blog for uplifting advice on making it through divorce with a smile on your face.   Also, Jackie is a published author.  See her impressive bio below! Seven Divorce Stories Everyone has a story. Let...

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A Lot On My Plate

Posted on Friday, May 17th, 2013

Buy a lottery ticket, say yes to an opportunity, explore an idea – do something to capitalize on the luck that is flowing your way now, Leo. Can you feel the vibe? Can you sense that something has shifted, and that your luck is growing increasingly fabulous? You need to be ready, willing, and able to take on any positive chance that comes your way. You need to be aware of the power you now have to change your life for the better. Your intuition is astoundingly accurate – something...

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