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Marriage, Divorce And A Good Gastro Doc

Posted on Friday, November 13th, 2015

Marriage, Divorce And A Good Gastro Doc Sunday morning I woke up and as I lay there feigning sleep so that M would get up and make the coffee, I knew something was special about the day, but I couldn’t figure out what. Typically, this happens after I allow myself an Ambien the night before. For those of you who may actually be able go to sleep like a normal person, Ambien has the tendency to make you do weird things that you won’t discover until the morning. I have walked into my kitchen the morning after an Ambien, to a...

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It’s All There In Black And White

Posted on Wednesday, October 7th, 2015

It’s All There In Black And White So,  the day is almost here. Saturday my book, There’s Been A Change Of Plans—A Memoir About Divorce, Dating And Delinquents, is being released on Amazon. And needless to say I am beside myself. Also, I am petrified, because as I was writing it, it didn’t really occur to me that people would actually be READING it. It’s sort of like when I wrote that email to my sister about how fat my stomach looked in a tankini and then mistakenly sent it to my real estate client. I...

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When There Are No Words…

Posted on Thursday, September 24th, 2015

When There Are No Words… Let’s face it, we all love Facebook. If I need to see a video of a cat swimming in a pool with a bathing cap on, I know right where to go. If I want to say Happy Birthday to a friend but am too lazy to go to CVS for a birthday card, it comes in really handy. When I want to show off my kids at Thanksgiving, the one time they are for sure all together, because my sweet potato pie can work miracles, it’s the perfect go to. But today, Facebook left me feeling empty and sad, because...

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Let Me Tell You About My Cat…

Posted on Friday, September 18th, 2015

Let Me Tell You About My Cat… Okay, I’m not panicking or anything, but I just found myself engaged in conversation about my cat, Jetty, with the checkout girl at Publix. And I was talking about him like he was a person. Like “He gets so mad at me when I run out of these Tasty Temptations!” and then asking her if she had any pets. She was like “No, do you have any coupons?” And then I did that real annoying thing where I walked real slow pushing my cart with one hand while going over my receipt...

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This Wasn’t In The “Script”

Posted on Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

This Wasn’t In The “Script” So today was my yearly visit with my psychiatrist and yes I have one and please stop judging. OMG, like YOU don’t lie awake at night and worry that the email you sent to your sister about how upset you are that Bethenny is back on Real Housewives,  accidentally went to your client in LA who has never met you but thinks you’re cool because you use the words “In retrospect” a lot and pretend to know what a meme is. Like YOU don’t get up to check your computer and...

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Divorce: Cross Your Bridge, But Don’t Burn It

Posted on Monday, July 27th, 2015

Divorce: Cross Your Bridge, But Don’t Burn It Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed it’s been quite a while since I’ve  posted on my blog and I have a very good excuse, it’s called a job. I don’t know who came up with this concept, but they sure didn’t have a sense of humor. Believe it or not, when you have a job, you usually have something called a boss. And this “boss” expects you to be at work, like every day at the same time?WHAT? Also, they do not get that you need to come in late on...

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Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on Saturday, May 9th, 2015

Happy Mother’s Day   I miss you guys! I know I haven’t posted in what seems like years, but the thing is I have a job now, and seriously, this is some heavy shit. First off, they expect me to be there like, every day at the same time…which is a number with AM after it. (Except weekends, they are not TOTAL barbarians.) Secondly, you are supposed to be there for eight hours. WHAT? Everyone knows, I need a little shut eye around 2pm to make it through the day. Mainly, they expect you to get stuff...

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Still WORKING IT!

Posted on Sunday, March 15th, 2015

Still WORKING IT! Last night was well…amazing. It was Saturday night and M and I were out on the town. I had outdone myself with my black boots (sort of Captain Jack Sparrow looking but on sale at Nordstrom Rack!) skinny jeans, and a long clingy top, Spanx on bottom, Spanx on top and BAM, pure magic. As M and I cruised restaurant row, people from the bars and restaurants had overflowed onto the street. I could not go more than a couple of feet without men gaping at me. I mean mouth open gaping. Some of...

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5 Things NOT TO SAY in a Relationship

Posted on Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

5 Things NOT TO SAY in a Relationship When I went through my divorce, I thought, among other things, (like with my alimony,Really? People live on that?)  that’s it—I’m done. And by done, I meant I will never laugh again, I will never love again, I will certainly never have sex again. I prepared myself to settle into middle age, debated getting a maroon velour Lazy-Boy recliner and a TV tray. Wait! Some recliners have built in cup holders? Well, things ARE looking up! That lasted about six months, while I watched every Real...

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Taking a Sick Day

Posted on Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

Taking a Sick Day   The other morning I was in spin class and half way through the first rendition of TIMBER, I began to feel a bit tired. I was sort of disappointed in myself. I told myself “Dude. You spin like three times a week, unless A. It’s raining B. Someone-ANYONE invites you out for an early cocktail or C. You forgot to put your purple Rain Gatorade in the outdoor fridge. So, you should really be able to make it at least half way through the class before you start pretending you are turning...

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What’s Ahead for Mommy Bloggers

Posted on Thursday, January 29th, 2015

What’s Ahead for Mommy Bloggers Here’s what I would like to say to all the mommy bloggers who are good writers, and pretty funny and offer good advice about how to deal with a toddler who will only wear ballerina tutu’s—you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. And you moms out there who have kids over five, know what I mean. They say you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, and there are no truer words. How can you simply go about your day, enjoying your morning coffee, your Weight Watcher’s vegetable teriyaki...

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Dating After Divorce-Are You Ready?

Posted on Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

Dating After Divorce-Are You Ready? Back in the days when I was happily married, friends and I would sit around over our Wine Spritzers, (this was before the day I switched over to hard core dirty martinis) and talk about our marriages, which was easy to do because we were so IN them. So secure in our relationships, so blinded to the perilous bends in the road that we were driving towards, we would say things like, “Well if anything, GOD FORBID, ever happened to Paul, I don’t think I would ever remarry.” And by anything,...

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It’s Okay-It’s Amicable…PSYCH!

Posted on Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

It’s Okay-It’s Amicable…PSYCH! Look, let’s give Giada DeLaurentis a break. Since announcing her divorce to Todd Thompson, she has been accused of having affairs with everyone from Bobby Flay, to Matt Lauer and even John Mayer, whom she claims to never have even been in a room with, much less, well, you know…Sure, I’m as jealous of her as the next person. Frankly, anyone who  can eat that much pasta and still have the physique of a bobble head, is not someone I could ever be friends with. I need someone...

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Getting Soft in Prison

Posted on Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

Getting Soft in Prison   As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have an irrational fear of going to prison. I’m pretty sure it started in college when I went to see Midnight Express. Two things I remember from College: the Mexican casserole the cafeteria served on Wednesdays, (7 layers with REAL tortillas,) and Brad Davis wasting away in a Turkish prison after getting beaten for stealing a gnarly blanket. Just thinking about it can cause my IBS to flare up. So, I feel for Teresa Giudice, as she begins her...

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Decoratively Challenged

Posted on Friday, November 21st, 2014

Decoratively Challenged   As I mentioned in my last post, Thanksgiving is around the corner and I cannot wait. I have made my shopping list and already purchased a 25 pound turkey at Publix where I had a run in with the check out girl because she insisted I put it on the treadmill after I asked her to come scan it in the cart. I tried to explain to her that I had a bad back and she remained adamant so the bag boy finally came over and hoisted the thing up there. I did however get a free reusable shopping bag...

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Thanksgiving, Book and Ebola

Posted on Friday, November 7th, 2014

Thanksgiving, Book and Ebola This morning, as every morning, I turned on my computer and immediately logged on to Facebook to see 1. If Ellen DeGeneres friended me yet and 2. What Kim Kardashian and baby North are wearing.  My eyes were immediately drawn to the message across the top, that said, AMY! WE CAN STOP EBOLA! Now I don’t know who sent this, but I have to say, I am totally flattered. To think that someone out there believes, that I, a woman who gets lost if I take the back way home from the grocery store...

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Second Love YES! Second Marriage-Maybe?

Posted on Friday, October 24th, 2014

Second Love YES! Second Marriage-Maybe? So, two girlfriends and I were sitting at lunch yesterday at one of those places that my friend loves because she says the organic salads are so good and I pretend to love too because I don’t want her to know that I am that unhealthy fatty that is thinking “Please God, let them at least have a decent burger on the menu.” Of course, dating after divorce topped our conversation. Two of us have been through divorce and one is in the midst. We sat there eating our organic,...

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This Divorcee Believes in Marriage

Posted on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

This Divorcee Believes in Marriage This weekend I attended an amazing wedding. The groom was handsome, the bride beyond beautiful. They are a perfect couple, both of them upbeat, fun and adventurous. (Normally, I hate people like that but since they are young, I’m giving them a pass.) I learned two things about myself from this experience, 1. It turns out I DO like little pieces of filet covered with parmesan cheese on a stick and 2. I want my daughter to get married, like tomorrow. Now this may sound strange coming from a...

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Uncoupling Can Lead to Newcoupling

Posted on Monday, June 30th, 2014

Uncoupling Can Lead to Newcoupling So I’m sitting here reading People Magazine and don’t ask me why – it usually depresses me. Once I get past the photos in the front of celebrities with their beautiful children touring Disney Land, Fiji or a fantastic city in Europe I stop on the Book Picks and that of course depresses me because I am not on it. (My agent is in Hawaii right now but when she gets back I know our phones will be ringing like crazy!) Then I get to the stories about people who have changed the world by...

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Give me PEE-ce

Posted on Monday, May 19th, 2014

Give me PEE-ce Now that I am in my fifties I have discovered things in life that I cannot live without. Netflix , Spanx, hummus and vodka all make the list. Of course I have also discovered things that I could live very nicely without: Dr. Phil, green juice, low rise jeans and tapas (Seriously? Give me a plate of food!) are stand outs on this list. Due to an experience I had this weekend my new NUMBER ONE THING I CAN LIVE WITHOUT is absolutely, without a doubt, I’d rather eat sugar free sherbet than have...

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